Disneyland

I’ve been hyped about this all week. Today my family and I will be leaving around 1 pm to go to the happiest place on earth… Disneyland! I haven’t been to Disneyland since my High School Grad Nite… which was 5 years ago and it was like from 7 pm – 3am that I went… this time it will be durning the day and I wont be so damn tired

After our two day exploration of running around Disneyland we then either will go to Medieval Times or The Hollywood Sidewalk of Stars whoop de whoop.

I saved up 200 dollars for this… only to be using my Credit Card and paying them back when I get back.. o_O oi!

I promised a thoughtful post, but I don’t know if I have one today. There really hasn’t been much in my brain today… or for some time.

Guy Update I guess… well I set out what I was going to do. I didn’t text, message, comment or anything like that all yesterday…and it felt pretty good I am trying to convince myself I don’t need a guy in my life right now. I need to focus on school and work and trying to better my life. If I happen to meet him along the way… great! If I don’t then I know it was never mine to begin with. I need to focus on me.  So right now that is what I am planning on doing…

Then again he didn’t message me either or anything like that. *shrug*

Maybe the flirtatiousness is wearing off . Well he should find someone over there… It would be less complicated.  At least, for him.

oh well… I finally wrote to Jason today. Plan on mailing it a bit later this afternoon (before we leave).

Why is it so complicated? Why do I make it so complicated? and Why do I continually jump back and forth between wanting to be happy single and wanting a relationship?

Damn feelings… Can’t I just want to be single? (tell me why I hear laughing in the back of my head…)

mmmm….

New Layout

I am in search of a new layout. this one is alright, but I think it is too… black?!

I should have stayed with my old one.. Oh well…

I swear and more “in-depth” post later.. I am in need of one

OHHHH…

I’M GOING TO DISNEYLAND
tomorrow

The “Positive” List

I guess it is time for the “feel good about myself” post or The “Positive” List.

A while ago I posted something called The “Negative” List. Basically it was a list of all of the “negative” things about me.  I decided it was about time to make  a list of the “positive” list…

Faithful

I am an extremely faithful girl. If I am dating you, then you are who I am dating. I will never cheat on you. I, personally, think that is the worst thing in the world. I’ve been cheated on and I don’t like it. I would never want to put that on the person I was “intimate” with.

Truthful

I am a pretty truthful person. I will tell you pretty much anything you want to know. I keep no secrets from loved ones.  If I think you are being a dumb ass I will be the one to let you know, but in a loving way.

Loving

I am a very loving person. If I care about you then you will know it by everything I do for you. I would even give you money (stuff that I don’ t have) if you asked me, but I expect the same consideration. If you needed help with something anything I would do my best to help you. I expect the same in return.

Random

Yes, this one was on the other list, but some people prefer random people.

Understanding

I am pretty much a very understanding person. I listen to you and try to understand where you are coming from. I will try my hardest to not judge you for things that you may have brought to my attention (things that I won’t like) but I will be understanding and try to see it from your perspective.

all in all, best way to sum it up, I will love you 110%.  I will be yours and only yours, just as I expect you to be mine and only mine. I will love you with everything I have, with everything I am.  I would try to never hurt you the way I have been hurt. I would give you my all and give you my best. I will be there for you when you need me, whenever you need me (or the minute I am free to be with you).

So that about sums it up, I am pretty sure I  missed a few, so just like the “negative” list this one will grow…

Fighting For Something

Ever think that perhaps we are always fighting for..something.

It doesn’t even matter what it is we are fight for, but we are there. everyday. fighting.  Even if it is for love, money, or happiness. We are fighting for it. It never comes easy.

Like right now, I am fighting for a better life. I am going to school, getting my work done to get my degree and be able to start my life out right.

I am working in a dead end job that barely gives me enough to survive and because of this worlds economy… I am thankful I have this job.

But I am fighting constantly for the money that will help me stay out of debt.

I am also (currently) fighting for the TV controller.  I didn’t win. he he.

I wish I could just get something easily once. Just once.

It would be  a nice break.

Don’t you think?

I Haven’t Forgotten

Lately I’ve been going back and forth between this site and xanga. Although I swear xanga is my first love and I will never be rid of her… I like this site.

I think I will marry this site in the future like I married xanga.

I can’t really think much to say except check both sites because I may post something on there that won’t be on here and visa versa.

Although, this is more of a secret journal. Only 2 people know about this particular journal.

I like to keep it that way

maybe…

The “Negative” List

Okay so I’ve decided I am going to write down the “Negative” list. Everything that could possibly be “wrong” with me.

We all have these list. We have the “good” and the “bad” list. Don’t try to deny it. Just embrace it. It is alright. You are human. I am human and this is why we have this list.

I’ve decided that I should write out traits that aren’t so pretty, but that are there. You should be aware of these because if we ever date or if I marry someone they should know this is the “Negative” that comes with this small package…

here we go

Jealous-

Yes I can get very very jealous. Who doesn’t?  I’ll probably make small little comments or get pretty ticked off, but it usually wears off very quickly if you kiss me. I’m very fickle like that.

Sarcasm-

Now, this can get bad sometimes.  I am a very sarcastic person at times. Especially when I have a really bad week (yes, we are all guilty of this). Sometimes I can be mean sarcastic, but just go with the flow… then again if you do it might cause the next  one to happen…

Fights-

I adore fights. Weird? you have no clue! Sure fights can get tired some, but sometimes I can just feel myself starting to pick a fight. I don’t know why… well perhaps the make up after the fight is very much worth it. I usually won’t start a fight over something little, but sometimes it just calls for it. If you ever want to stop me from picking a fight just hug me. I usually forget what I am mad about if you hug me… or make me smile. Then I just can’t be mad at you. Simple enough.

Depression-

Sometimes I have these mood swings… well shit, I am a woman. These mood swings usually end up in a “I hate my life, my body, the way I look.. etc”.. kinda shit. Pay no attention to it. It usually just last a day, maybe even 3 days at the most.  It comes and goes. I expect you to just be there. Don’t tell me to suck it up, that it is life.. or tell me I am overreacting, because let me say one thing… you will have a day or month like this and then I will just tell you to suck it up.

Randomness-

I don’t know if this is really a “bad” trait, but it sure it annoying sometimes.  I get my mind set on something then a few minutes later I am on something totally different. I swear I am not doing it on purpose I just jump from thing to thing. But hey, if you prefer randomness… this is great for you

Selfishness-

I am a very selfish person, especially when it comes to my significant other. I hate to share, but I will share when I have to.. But if we are hanging out and your phone goes off, please don’t answer it. Or if your friend stops by and asks you to go somewhere, tell him no.  Please don’t be talking to other women at 2 in the  morning and expect me to be alright with that. Also I like it when you call me. Sometimes it is better than just texting.  I tend to like you all to myself, but there are occasions I will have to make exceptions (lol).

Bitchy-

Yes I am a bitch. Plain and Simple, but I will love you. I will love you like no one else. Even if I was a bitch, I still will love you with all I have.

I can’t think of anymore “Negative” things about me, but if (and when) I do I will be sure to come back and update.

*thank god for auto save… all would have been lost!!!

Moving On

I think it is time that I move on from this “online” thing. I am getting no where here and it just seems to be preoccupying my time. I need this time for myself. To be single and to be me.

Why be weighed down by someone who I may never meet? Even if I feel a complete pull towards him? A pull that I have only felt once.

Stupid feelings. Stupid me. Stupid girl with stupid thoughts.

I do this to much. I continually set myself up for things like this.

NO MAS!

Done.

This is Fucked Up.

I thought I could do it, but alas I can’t. I don’t want to… no, that’s a fucking lie. I really do want to. You have no idea how badly I do want it. I just… I just can’t have it anymore. Not at this time anyways.

Baby you should be with someone who is near you. Who can actually be near you. You shouldn’t be stuck around with someone who is never going to be close as close as you wish. I shouldn’t be feeling like this for someone who is literally states away from me.

Oh how I wish things where different between us. How distances wasn’t such a big issue, but face it. It is. Distance. It will keep us apart. I can’t handle it. Now right now. I can’t handle this. I can’t continuously wish for something that I may never have. Or at least something I can’t have right now.

You, darling, want a girlfriend. I can’t be that girl. I can’t give you the “connection” we both so desperately want. One day baby, one day we may. That day is far in our future. I don’t see it anytime soon and to ask you to just hold yourself for me, for the day we can actually be together is wrong. You deserve a relationship. I can see it so clear right now.

I have to quit you.

I have no idea how I let it get this way. How I let it get this far. As far as my emotions are concerned. How did I let myself get so far so quickly. I have that tendency you know. The tendency to fall for someone. Fall fast and hard. It’s happened before and it is happening right now.

I can feel myself. I can feel that pull. That falling feeling. Only it is nothing that I have experienced before. It’s something totally different. This is.. this is just… fucked.  It’s like I am falling in a deep pit of nothingness and all I can think about is how can I get out of it to see you?

Sometimes I think I go to fast. I need to slow it down. I need to protect my heart a little better than what I am doing right now, but when I talk to you. When I text you. When I see that you are online my heart skips a beat. I can’t help that. I can’t deny it either, but I need.. I need to slow it down.

Protection. Wall. I need something to help me.

Fuck, I need help.

Water Color Paintings

Here is just a little bit of what I did when I was still painting.

Both done by yours truly

Photography

all done by me